What are your relationship patterns?
When I think back on my relationship with my ex, it’s tempting to make him wrong for what he didn’t do or how he treated me. And many of us get stuck there – I was there for awhile.
But there is a danger in making the ex wrong. If the ex was a ‘bad’ person, then it also means that we chose that, we then make ourselves wrong for having chosen that person in the first place. This means that we can trust ourselves or our choices. And that is a whole can of worms that is best thrown out.
It’s even more useful if we can look at our patterns objectively and unravel, ‘What is my pattern and what is their pattern?’
Our relationships are an interplay of our patterns. We have all been programmed through the experiences of life, from our parents, the culture, and the people around us. Most people are stuck in patterns they can’t even see.
Try this exercise to see your relationship patterns:
A quick way to gain insight is to take a few quiet moments. Just sit back and relax and imagine rising up above yourself and see yourself on the earth plane below in each relationship. Take a minute and notice the quality of your emotions and your responses in the different situations and relationships.
From the higher perspective, looking down at yourself below, what patterns do you notice?
As I look back at my relationship with my ex, my pattern was to shut my own voice down and just keep the peace. We didn’t fight – but we gradually grew apart and withdrew. If we can’t share our feelings in an effective way – it eats at the foundation of our connection.
The ability to share our emotions in a healthy way is key to how we connect with others. In fact, we are always ‘training’ people how to be in relationship with us by how we respond to them.
Yes, they had their patterns – and we have our ours. We call this collusion – where two (or more) people’s patterns interrelate to create the overall situation.
When I worked with At-Risk-Wilderness-Therapy Programs, we often saw that a teen’s difficulties were partially in the family dynamics, communication patterns (or lack of it) and the rigidity or lack of groundrules.
Our relationships could even be seen as the result of our expectations.
We don’t have to make ourselves wrong
It can be difficult to look at our patterns, but it is also empowering. If we recognize what’s not working – we have the power to change it.
If we stay stuck in bitterness or hurt, it keeps us from moving forward – and we won’t allow ourselves to move forward. Hanging onto bitterness shuts down our heart and our ability to recognize and experience love and connection.
And so it’s more useful to forgive ourselves for the past. If we make ourselves wrong, then that also implies a whole lot of shame, guilt and other stuckness.
Recognize we did the best we could for the time and what we knew. And recognize that other people are operating from their history, their past wounds and their programming.
But as we know better – we can do better.
We can move forward with self acceptance and compassion. Recognize that tomorrow is another day – another day of possibilities. And we are all on the journey of learning and growing together. There are so many choices available to us.
What would you like to create? What do you envision for your relationships?
Join me Sat. Nov. 12: Healing Love & Relationships, 9:30-5:30
This is where we’ll take a deeper look at relationship patterns, set up positive communication habits (that run for you automatically) experience deep insight, clear the blocks of past relationships and empower your future with healthy communication, respect and connection. Early Bird Tickets available until Oct. 31!
Are you ready to live with greater awareness and connection? See details and register here
